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Sunday afternoon

I’m gessoing some little, very little, canvases this afternoon. The canvas looked wobbly and loose on one, and so I dunked it in hot water to shrink it. I should have done that before I added more gesso, since it did shrink and my new coat of gesso came puckering off.

I’m going to try some mini animal portraits. I have no idea what that will be like, especially with acrylic paint on canvas. The texture of the canvas and the heaviness of the paint might be a challenge to getting fine detail. They are only 3 x 4 inches. They should be relatively fast to get painted at least, and I need some quicker path to satisfaction while I’m making all my dolls. It’s good to make a bunch of things simultaneously because you can be more organized about it, but it’s bad in that you have to wait so long to have that sense of accomplishment you get when you are holding something finished in your hands.

I also picked up a new journal for myself. I’ve been journaling since I was twelve or thirteen, but I’ve always picked out plain school-type spiral notebooks. I’m intimidated by anything too “fancy”. I used to write in them more regularly. In recent years, I’ve tended to turn to them almost only when I’ve been sad or angry, and don’t want to overburden anyone else by talking about it too much. I hate to think what my life will look like to anyone who might read them someday! I am cheerful most of the time, and I am hoping by having a more cheerful looking journal, I might be tempted to “branch out” again.

I’ve had this Cat Steven’s song in my head for a couple of days now, “If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out“, from Harold and Maude.

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, and there have been moments when I’ve had to stop myself and remember that my life really isn’t, and doesn’t have to be, complicated. I have a home, enough to sustain me, people (and kitties) who love me, and things to do that I enjoy and find rewarding. I’ve tried too hard, in recent years, to add one more very-important-to-me thing to my life, a family of my own, and in doing that, I have tried too hard to accept a lot of unhappiness. I feel like I am at a crossroads, emotionally, where I need to choose to release myself from the pressure I feel, choose to have faith in my own future, and not be sad about it. I’ve said a lot of things would “never” happen for me before in my life, and been very wrong.

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